When Suicide Leaves Us With Questions, Not Answers

Grief, faith, stigma, and the power of a community willing to sit with the unknown.

By Shawna Percy | Producer & Founder, Ag Care Connect

Content note: This article discusses suicide, mental illness, grief, and religious beliefs about death. Please take care of yourself as you read. Support options are available below.

When my first husband, Neil, died by suicide in March 2011, I learned something painful about how people respond to suicide.

Some of my closest friends, people I considered best friends, never spoke to me again after learning how Neil had died. Others showed up in ways I will never forget.

Recently, while speaking with Elaine Froese on her Farm Family Harmony podcast, she asked me what care and community looked like following Neil’s death. I found myself reflecting on the extraordinary support I received from our church.

What made that community so meaningful wasn’t that they had answers to all the difficult questions surrounding mental illness, suicide, faith, and death. It was that they didn’t feel they needed to. They were willing to sit with me in the unknown. And I think because I wasn’t being handed answers, I had room to ask questions of my own.

When the People We Expect to Be There Disappear

Suicide loss can be an incredibly isolating experience.

Alongside the grief of losing someone we love, there can be questions about why they died, whether something could have been done differently, and what their death means. There may also be fear about what others will think or say.

For some, religious beliefs introduce another layer of uncertainty. What happens to someone who dies by suicide? Is suicide a sin? Does it mean they are condemned to hell?

These aren’t necessarily abstract theological questions for someone who has lost a person they love. They can become deeply personal, painful questions about that person’s eternal wellbeing.

Suicide bereavement can leave us carrying questions about the person we’ve lost, the beliefs we’ve inherited, and whether the people around us will be willing to sit with us in our grief.

And when people withdraw, avoid mentioning the person who died, or offer judgments instead of compassion, it can deepen the isolation.

I don’t know why some of my friends stopped speaking to me. I can’t speak to their motivations. But I know what their absence felt like. I also know what it meant when others stayed.

The Gift of Not Having All the Answers

Our church community was remarkable in its willingness to walk alongside me without trying to explain everything.

People listened. They allowed me to grieve. They didn’t seem to feel responsible for resolving every question I had about Neil’s death or the mental illness he had lived with.

There was room for uncertainty. And that space mattered enormously.

Sometimes, when someone is hurting, we feel pressure to say something helpful. We want to reassure them, offer an explanation, or somehow make the situation better. But there are experiences that cannot be made better with a few carefully chosen words. And sometimes our attempts to provide answers can unintentionally shut down the very conversations someone needs to have.

What my church offered was something different: the freedom to explore difficult questions without having to arrive at immediate conclusions. That space allowed me to become curious. And that curiosity eventually led me somewhere I hadn’t expected.

Why Talk About This in Agriculture?

Agriculture across Canada is made up of people with diverse faiths, spiritual traditions, cultures, and personal beliefs, including those who do not identify with any religion. At Ag Care Connect, we respect everyone’s right to their own beliefs, and our resources are intended to be accessible and welcoming to all.

At the same time, faith plays a meaningful role in many agricultural communities.

According to Statistics Canada’s 2021 Census of Agriculture–Population Linkage, 72.5% of Canada’s farm population reported a religious affiliation, compared with 65.4% of the general population. Among those reporting a religious affiliation, Christianity was predominant, with Catholic, United Church, and other Christian denominations accounting for most responses.

These figures don’t tell us how actively people practise their faith or what they personally believe about suicide. They do, however, demonstrate why conversations about religious beliefs and their influence on mental wellbeing are relevant to agricultural communities.

We also know that suicide is an important concern in agriculture. A 2021 University of Guelph survey involving nearly 1,200 Canadian farmers, conducted during the COVID-19 pandemic, found that approximately one in four respondents had experienced thoughts that life wasn’t worth living, wished they were dead, or thought about taking their own life during the previous 12 months. The researchers reported that suicidal ideation was approximately twice as high among farmers as in the general population.

When someone dies by suicide in a close-knit agricultural or rural community, the grief can extend well beyond their immediate family, affecting friends, neighbours, fellow producers, and others who knew them. Religious and cultural beliefs may influence how people understand the death, how they respond to those grieving, and whether someone feels safe asking for support.

For some, faith can be an important source of comfort, connection, and hope. For others, particular religious teachings or past experiences may contribute to feelings of guilt, shame, fear, or exclusion.

That’s why these conversations matter here.

This article explores suicide and bereavement through one Christian perspective because that is part of my personal experience, and because it may be relevant to others within agriculture. It is not intended to represent all Christian beliefs, nor to suggest that a religious perspective is necessary for understanding suicide or supporting someone who is grieving.

Whatever our beliefs, we can benefit from examining how they shape our responses to others, questioning assumptions that may cause harm, and making room for compassion when we don’t have all the answers.

What Does the Bible Actually Say About Suicide?

In May 2013, just over two years after Neil’s death, I gave a talk at our church called Mental Illness, Suicide, and Finding God in the Darkness.

As I prepared for the talk, I realized there was something I needed to investigate. I’d heard the long-held belief that people who die by suicide go to hell. But was that actually what the Bible said?

I began reading and researching.

One of the passages I explored was Matthew 27 : 3–5, which describes Judas’s remorse following his betrayal of Jesus and his subsequent death by suicide. What struck me was that the passage recounts his death without explicitly declaring his eternal destination.

That doesn’t mean the Bible has nothing else to say about Judas, or that Christians universally agree on how his story should be interpreted. But the passage itself didn’t make the blanket declaration about suicide and hell that has become deeply entrenched in some religious traditions.

I also examined 1 Samuel 31 : 3–6, which describes the death of King Saul. What particularly interested me was what happened afterward.

In 2 Samuel 1 : 17–27, David mourns both Saul, who died by suicide, and Saul’s son Jonathan, who died in battle. David’s lament honours them together. David also says, “…and in their death they were not divided.”

That stayed with me. Here was a biblical account in which someone who had died by suicide was mourned publicly, alongside someone who had died by another means. It challenged me to consider how we speak about and remember people who die by suicide.

David’s response doesn’t tell us everything about how ancient Israelites understood suicide, but it does offer a powerful example of mourning someone without reducing their life to the circumstances of their death.

These passages don’t settle every theological question. Christians have different interpretations of scripture, sin, salvation, and the circumstances surrounding these deaths.

But they did lead me to question whether the certainty with which some people spoke about suicide and eternal condemnation was actually warranted.

How Did These Beliefs Develop?

My research also led me into the history of Christianity.

I learned that some of the beliefs and practices surrounding suicide developed through centuries of theological interpretation, church teaching, and cultural attitudes.

St. Augustine, writing in the fourth and fifth centuries, was influential in developing Christian arguments against suicide. Later church councils established restrictions on religious funeral rites for people who had died by suicide.

Over time, these teachings became intertwined with social and legal practices that could further stigmatize both the person who died and their surviving family.

In some places and historical periods, people who died by suicide were denied customary burial rites, while surviving families could face legal and financial consequences, including the forfeiture of property.

These were not simply words on a page. They had consequences for real people.

Christian teaching has also evolved and is not uniform across denominations.

My hope, however, is for people to recognize there is a difference between a religious tradition’s moral teaching about an action and claiming to know the eternal fate of a particular person. And there is a difference between what a biblical passage explicitly states and the interpretations that have developed around it.

I am not a theologian, and I don’t claim to have resolved every question about suicide and salvation. But I do believe we need to be careful about presenting interpretations as unquestionable facts, particularly when those statements may cause further suffering to people who are already grieving.

When Faith Becomes Another Source of Pain

In preparing my 2013 talk, I also spoke with people who had experienced mental illness about some of the responses they’d received from Christians.

Some had been told their mental illness reflected a lack of faith, that they needed to pray more, or that taking medication demonstrated insufficient trust in God.

These messages concerned me then, and they still do.

Neil was a man of faith. He had experienced profound changes in his life through his Christian beliefs. He also lived with severe mental illness. Those realities existed together. His faith did not make him immune to illness. He was human, after all. And his illness did not make him any less deserving of dignity, compassion, or medical care.

When we suggest that someone is struggling because they haven’t prayed enough, believed strongly enough, or lived faithfully enough, we risk adding shame to an already difficult experience.

We may also discourage them from seeking the treatment and support they need.

For someone grieving a suicide death, religious condemnation can add yet another layer of suffering.

This is why I believe it’s so important to examine what we’ve been taught and consider how those beliefs affect the people around us.

Finding God in the Darkness

Near the end of my 2013 talk, I shared a passage that had profoundly changed how I understood my relationship with God.

Exodus 20:21 describes Moses approaching the thick darkness where God was.

I had often thought about God as light. When life felt dark, I imagined needing to get through that darkness to find God on the other side. But this passage offered another possibility. What if God could be found in the darkness, too? What if I didn’t have to emerge from grief, confusion, anger, or uncertainty before I could experience a spiritual connection?

During my recent conversation with Elaine, we also talked about prayer as a way of expressing what we’re carrying.

I shared that there have been times when I’ve sworn while speaking to Creator. Not because I intended disrespect, but because I needed somewhere to put the anger, frustration, and pain I was experiencing.

In my first book, Breathe: A True Story About Marriage, Faith, and Attempted Suicide, I write about one of those moments. Neil had survived a suicide attempt just eight months into our marriage, and I was at my wits’ end. I yelled, swore, and vented it all to God. And I didn’t feel guilty, because I believed God could handle all of that mess, which meant I didn’t have to carry quite so much of it myself.

For others, prayer may not be part of their lives at all. They may find that same freedom through journaling, time outdoors, speaking with a trusted friend, chopping wood, or another practice that allows them to acknowledge and release what they’re feeling.

There isn’t one pathway that works for everyone. Many of us need places where we can be completely honest about what we’re experiencing, without fear of judgment.

What Does This Mean for How We Care for One Another?

Although my experience is rooted in Christianity, the lesson I carry from it extends well beyond any one religion.

We don’t have to share someone’s beliefs to respect them. We don’t have to understand every aspect of their experience to care about what they’re going through. And we certainly don’t have to have all the answers before we show up.

Farm families navigate complicated experiences involving grief, mental health, succession, financial pressure, family relationships, and uncertainty about the future.

Sometimes we don’t know what to say. Sometimes we’re afraid of saying the wrong thing. And sometimes, because we don’t know what to say, we say nothing.

But silence can leave people feeling terribly alone.

My church community showed me that there is another way. We can listen without rushing to solve. We can acknowledge that we don’t know. We can remain curious, ask questions, and allow someone to tell us what their experience has been.

We can also recognize that the person who died was more than the circumstances of their death.

Neil was my husband. He had a laugh bigger than life. He cared for the down and out. He was a successful salesperson. He was a dad. He was a person with hopes, relationships, accomplishments, struggles, a sense of humour, and a heart for helping others.

He was loved. And his life deserves to be remembered for far more than how it ended.

Making Room for Questions

Looking back, I’m grateful for the people who didn’t feel they needed to explain Neil’s death to me. And they also didn’t avoid me.

Their willingness to sit with uncertainty helped create the conditions for me to explore difficult questions with an open mind.

I didn’t have to accept every belief I’d inherited without examining it. I didn’t have to pretend to know things I didn’t know. And I didn’t have to stop loving or honouring Neil because of how he died.

I also wrote about my experiences following Neil’s death in my second book, The Healing Place: Navigating Grief and Healing After Suicide. Those writings capture a different part of my journey: living with the loss of someone I loved, navigating grief, and finding my way forward when so much of life had changed. For anyone who would like to read more of my personal story, I’ve shared those experiences there.

Today, through Ag Care Connect, I want to help create that same kind of space for others.

Not a space where everyone has to agree, share the same beliefs, or arrive at the same conclusions. But one where people can talk honestly about difficult experiences, explore what matters to them, and know that their questions are welcome.

Because sometimes the most meaningful support we can offer isn’t an answer. It’s our willingness to stay, listen, and make room for the unknown.

Listen to the Original Talk

On May 5, 2013, I delivered Mental Illness, Suicide, and Finding God in the Darkness at Elevation Church.

In this talk, I share more of Neil’s story, examine biblical passages and the historical development of beliefs surrounding suicide, and explore how faith communities can respond compassionately to people experiencing mental illness and suicide bereavement.

Listen to the May 2013 talk
Please note: This talk was delivered in 2013 and is shared as a historical reflection of my experiences and understanding at that time.

Related Conversation: Farm Family Harmony

In my recent conversation with Elaine Froese on the Farm Family Harmony podcast, we discuss grief, suicide prevention, succession planning, and the importance of having smaller conversations that make the bigger ones possible.

Listen to the Farm Family Harmony episode

I’ve also shared more reflections from our conversation in My Conversation with Elaine Froese: Why the Small Conversations Matter, including practical ways to strengthen family communication, navigate farm succession, and support mental wellbeing.

Ag Care Connect welcomes people of all faiths and those who do not identify with a religion. This article shares one person’s lived experience and exploration of Christian beliefs. No religious affiliation or belief is required to access Ag Care Connect’s free mental wellbeing resources.

If you or someone you care about is experiencing thoughts of suicide in Canada, call or text 9-8-8 for free, confidential support, 24 hours a day. You can also contact the National Farmers Crisis Line at 1-866-327-6701 to speak with someone trained to understand the unique pressures and realities of agricultural life. For additional support options, visit our Need Help Now? page. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.

We’d Like to Hear From You

Whether you’re a farmer, agricultural worker, family member, or someone with a personal connection to suicide loss, we’d welcome your perspective.

What helped you feel supported? What made things more difficult? And what do you wish others understood about caring for someone bereaved by suicide?

Share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. You don’t need to identify yourself or share details about the person who died. We welcome your reflections, and there’s no expectation that you have answers.

Your perspective matters.

You can share your thoughts anonymously through Ag Care Connect’s Talk Back page.



To view this article on the Ag Care Connect website please vist: https://agcareconnect.ca/suicide-bereavement-faith-stigma/#support